Author: rhodora

MY ROLLER COASTER ‘emo’ ride has eventually come to a halt.  And one of the things I should be thankful for in making this possible is the recently concluded U.S. presidential election highlighted by President-elect Barack Obama’s victory.

You may find it weird as to how the U.S. election has played a role in putting back the pieces of my marriage. Well, you see,  in between those intense and frenzied confrontations, denials, betrayals and finally, admission – hubby and I still managed to share one common interest: subscribing to news on the U.S. presidential campaign trail.  So often the scenario  before bedtime had me and him both glued before the television set in our bedroom, switching between CNN, Fox, BBC and other foreign channels to catch on the latest election trends. I guess this did the trick in re-uniting us and helping us get over the preceding unpleasant state of our affairs.

I am more at peace now; thank you to my blog friends who left encouraging words here in my blog that lifted my spirits.  And though nothing is really conclusive, I am now taking life with a more positive view and thankfully, the grass are looking green again and I can  see once more the early morning dew on my orchids’ leaves when I wake up every morning.  Indeed, literally and figuratively – this is how my vision of life is going about at the moment.  Auspicious signs these are, which I thank God for.

* * * *

. . . . is a love only just now being born

less fragile than a bloom in its first day of blossoming

swaying on a slender stalk?

* * * *

Each needs protection, the coming of other lovers

or the crowded flower bed.

* * * *

. . . .  love is a target and attracting place

for every element outside its circle,

jealousy, distortion, misunderstanding,

and the lack of trust that distance causes.

Yet I have known some loves to be so strong

that they can overcome every element conspiring

to knock them down.

* * * *

The wind rocks cradles gently even in the storm.

While in the cradle of our love

if we must share our trust

we can do no better

than to share it with the wind.

– Rod McKuen (Watch for the Wind)

I REALIZE now that healing and forgetting won’t come easy especially if the issue is not completely settled yet.  And with the way things were going these past days, the process was taking longer than I thought because I knew there were things still unsaid and not admitted.  For instance, why would he not tell me the real identity of the third party? It’s totally unfair. She knows me.  In exchanging text messages with her one time, (where I remained to be as civil as possible),  she addressed me by my name.

I have been pressuring him to divulge her identity, but he repeatedly refused. Until one time, he dropped a name and a vague address for a clue. But that did not help for  it later turned out to be false. Damn it. I protested: “Hey, I’m the aggrieved party here! How unfair of you not to disclose who she is! Is it because you are trying to protect her from me? Do you really believe I will do her harm? Do you really think I can raise hell as a scorned woman would normally do? Why, I can’t even kill a roach! And is that not rubbing salt to an already open wound? You hurt me. You betrayed my trust.  And yet, here you are, shielding her.  Does that mean she is more important to you? Is that an admission you love her more than you do me?”

It might be wise for me to just keep quiet and not probe any longer to ward off more hurt. But the thing is – I felt like I  was in a battlefield not knowing who my enemy was.  It did not feel good.

Thankfully last night, just when I was almost at my wits’ end, he relented. He volunteered to tell everything. I listened. I questioned occasionally. I clarified some inconsistencies now and then. I’m sure he felt like he was being cross examined.  I wanted to applaud myself.  I was satisfied with his answers.

That was all I needed. A straightforward confession from him.  He lied to me many times before, but I have a very strong feeling he was telling the truth this time. His speech was unfaltering.  The narration was in details. I knew. The truth came out and hopefully it can help set us both free though there may be some more things that remain undisclosed.

I don’t say I’m totally healed but I feel lighter now. Despite the leads he gave me as to how I can meet her face to face, I won’t budge. I will leave it as it is. At least now I know who she is.  Revenge is out of the question for it will only complicate things. Besides, if I avenge myself, what good will it do? Will it make me happier? Will it earn me more points in Heaven? I don’t think so.

* * * *

“More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.” ~Doug Larson

Yellow bell flower in my sister’s garden

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CRAWLING YELLOW BELLS will sure look good on my fence.

 

I WANT to hasten my healing process so I am thinking of putting up some small projects in the house like refurbishing my pocket garden. I want to have the entire space covered with brick slabs.  I am also planning to buy some new orchids and more potted plants to adorn the sides and corners of the garden. I might place a narrow bench and a table too on one end where I can  have my morning coffee or where I can blog wireless when finally my son has delivered the laptop he has promised to give me.

 

PERHAPS I can use new curtains in the living room too. And what about organizing family pictures in photo albums or scrapbooks? We have boxes of photos needing to be sorted out before they eventually rot and get totally wasted. Or what about that mini-library project I have long wanted to put up in my parents’ house? Ah, there are so many things I can get busy with in order to forget; for as I have already forgiven, so now I must have to forget…

CAN you imagine how dreary it is to wake up in the morning to find the house empty?  I have never been alone in the house at night but last weekend, I was, for two nights.

I thought he would never come home anymore and I was ready to give up the war and just let him be where he would be happier. But something was telling me to fight on.

So I came to his office to ask him these decisive questions: Is this worth holding on? Are you worth holding on? Do I still have a reason to hold on?  He did not answer. He just went home with me.

* * * *

I want to think that I am healing. The signs are apparent. Good sleep; calm disposition; focus on work; revived interests; open talk; forgiveness. But I am praying so hard: “God, please, don’t drop anymore  bombshells.”  

TRULY  my mind of late has been in limbo, though I try to keep my life in order as much as I can. Or to say it in a more precise way: I try to keep OUR lives in order as much as I can.  You see, being a mother, I cannot speak only for myself because whatever personal turbulence I am going through can affect the whole family. And in this respect, I try hard not to allow my own private wars, in any way, result to a dysfunctional family.  Thus for this reason, I am still here – standing.

If you look at my previous posts in this blog, you can notice a lot of inconsistencies. In some  posts, I am jubilant, in another, I announce a long vacation and yet in other ones, I seem to be meditative. I can’t say it in a better way: something is wrong somewhere.

These couple of  months I have evaded blog hopping for I do not want to read anything that may touch the most sensitive part of already beaten issues in my being.  Or maybe that I do not want to face reality. I want escape. I am in denial. I am not happy.

Kids are now starting to mold their own lives. The first born is currently making good in the line of work he so enjoys. The second one is reviewing for the nursing board exam. The youngest is on her second year in college and is full of dreams and ambitions that someday she will make it big in her chosen career.

Meanwhile, the hubby has his own job which, though very challenging and offers just a modest pay, keeps him on the go everyday.

So where does that leave me now? Alone I am most of the time at home, trying to keep busy with a humble publishing business which is not making good and which I think would better be closed before it goes insolvent.  Or sometimes shuttling  from Baguio where the second child is reviewing for the board exam, to Manila where the youngest is studying and the eldest is working.  I have no life.

The law school has been sacrificed. My family prod me to take the bar exam, but it is not as easy as they think it is.  Besides, I have lost focus.  Financial woes, marital troubles and family worries have pushed back whatever little knowledge in law I have managed to stock in my brain for the past four years.  Next  year’s bar exam is only 10 months away and God knows how impossible it will be for me to cram in that very limited time when there are thousands of law provisions that I need to be at least familiar with. I have dropped all hopes.

* * * * * * * *

Financial issue. Actually, I can live with it.  I am used to being broke.  So long as the needs of my children are met, I am okay. I don’t lust for cars, fashionable clothes or jewelry. I am a simple person with no material longings. I don’t even use expensive creams on my face or wear imported perfumes.  I am a low maintenance woman with no caprices or vices. I just make do with whatever material blessings come my way.

Family issue. I am used to it as well. Although I admit I often literally jump off my seat every time I get a distressed call from any of my children.  I tend to worry a lot about them too especially that they are away from me. But I have managed to be clever. I have learned to keep an online monitoring system that I know they know but they pretend not to know because the fact that I am monitoring  is perfectly alright with them.

Marital issue.  It will be hypocritical for me to say that I can live with it; that it is okay; that it is manageable; that I am used to it.  Though hopefully it is not really serious, it pushes me to the edge just the same. It sends my mind to wild speculations. It sears my soul; it pricks my heart.  At times I am in a near-frenzy state, but thanks to God for He holds my reins. I guess this is the most devastating issue in a relationship. And despite repeated promises and assurances that it is nothing and that if indeed there is something, it has already come to a halt – the injury has been done and the crack is apparent. There is no more trust.

* * * * * * * *

I apologize for this crap of a post. But I reserve the right to speak my heart and mind out.  I WANT TO HEAL and perhaps blogging can offer a cure.  So now, I’m back to blogging mode.  My blog friends might as well get ready with a red carpet welcome.  I am visiting your sites again. Wow, did I miss you all so much!

Cheers!