Author: Lauren

Yesterday morning, Marco gave me the shock of my life when he said he won two tickets to Stone Temple Pilots in Manila! The Our Awesome Planet Facebook page held a small giveaway for two tickets, where contestants send Anton an email saying why they deserve to win them.

Anton had already picked a winner, but he was so touched by Marco’s passionate essay about the band, he gave his two patron tickets to him. Wheee!

Sinosikat opened for STP, which I thought was a pretty crappy choice. Don’t get me wrong, they’re great performers and Kat can sing, but can you really expect the audience to get pumped for the show with their mellow blend of jazz-bossa-pop? If not for the french fries I bought from a nearby vendor I would have fallen asleep.

More photos in my Facebook album.

Some notes from the show:

1) It sucks to be five feet tall and six rows away from the stage, because there will always be someone taller than you in the concert, and they will conveniently occupy rows 1-5. I left Araneta drenched in beer and with a stiff neck, but the glimpses of Scott in between heads was totally worth it.

2) Speaking of Scott, was he stoned or what? The first thing he said to us was, “We’re not sure whether it’s day or night.”

3) And speaking of Scott again, why is he still kind of hot in his middle age? Especially when he dances about awkwardly on stage?

4) The band still has their shit together. The performances were amazing and full of energy! Near the end I was starting to feel kind of tired for them, but they kept on playing and doing the rock star thing. Everyone worshipped them like gods.

5) I damn near caught the shirt Scott tossed at the audience, but some asshole pushed me and got it. Whoever you are, I hate you.

Thank you Marco and Anton for the best night ever!

Catching up with ex-boyfriends always makes me feel like stabbing a person. Usually myself, for not knowing any better, and sometimes the unsuspecting ex-boyfriend, for finally admitting that he was an asshole/committed a very assholey thing. You’d think that this admission of guilt would absolve him of all his sins and make us the best of friends, but when you’re a person who harbors grudges the way people collect stamps or old coins, such confessions only makes you kind of angrier. The anger is mostly directed at the errant former amour, but now that I think about it, I get angry at myself too. No one should ever have to put up with crap from another person in the name of love and relive these crappy moments way after the fact. But then again, isn’t that what relationships are about – loving the other person despite the crap they throw at you? And don’t conversations with ex-boyfriends inevitably go back to Where Did Things Go Wrong?

Anyway, the conversation that spurred this post was with an ex-boyfriend you probably don’t know, so don’t even bother trying to figure out who he is. He caught me online while I was checking something on Skype, and I replied to his message because we haven’t really spoken in years. After saying hi, hello, and “I thought you were moving to Japan to join your amoeba girlfriend?”, I found out that he finally got his MA in Linguistics and is now working three jobs – one at Apple, one at a language school, and one in porn. I did a double-take when I saw “porn” and I dropped the other Internet things I was doing. Holy shit my ex-boyfriend works in porn! I tried to extort more details. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE WORKING IN PORN?? LIKE ARE YOU BEHIND THE SCENES OR ARE YOU IN PORN?” I bugged him incessantly, but he was being very coy about the whole thing. He even left me hanging for a few minutes when he signed out of Skype, because he was apparently at work. At the Apple job, not the porn job.

Eventually, I manged to get him to admit what he does – just solo masturbation stuff, no actual sex. Apparently, it pays very well and times are hard, even with two other jobs. I consider myself a pretty open-minded person but I have to admit, I was being mildly scandalized by this revelation. I have an ex-boyfriend who works in porn! An ex-boyfriend who refused to have sex with me several times, no less!

We tried to move on to other topics from there (okay fine, he started asking about my sex life and it was awkward) but I just had to make a snipe at him. His seeming lack of libido was one of the reasons why we ended the relationship I broke up with him. The other reason was his refusal to let me stay in his apartment when I visited him because his Korean roommate didn’t want me there.

Me: Can I just point out that it’s extremely ironic that you now work in porn when you were pretty much disinterested in sex then?
Him: Are u kidding? I always wanted to have sex. U re awesome in bed.
Me: Lies.

And then, the question that makes any conversation with an ex-boyfriend go sour. The kind that starts with “You can be honest with me now.”

Me: Okay, you can be honest with me now. Were you sleeping with your Korean roommate?
Him: Not slept, but made out.

Thankfully we had a weird open relationship thing going on (which I made sure to use when I got lonely) so I don’t actually hate him for getting intimate with the girl. But I was irritated to find out the truth this late, especially since he said no when I asked him if there was anything going on with the roommate then. Things would have been so much easier if he just admitted it. We could have broken up right then and there instead of letting the relationship drag on two more months. I could have spent the rest of my trip with the guy I met at the hostel, guilt-free. He could have had his Korean chick. Who, by the way, look nothing like the girls you see on Korean soap operas.

I abandoned the conversation shortly after because he started coming on to me and it felt so fucking weird and inappropriate. Not to mention he was two and a half years too late.

I’d like to think that I can maintain healthy friendships with my ex-boyfriends once we get over the butthurt we caused each other, but this is the third ex I’ve tried to have a friendly conversation with that left me feeling…weird. For a couple of weeks, I have been thinking about why it’s so difficult for me to carry a friendly conversation with any of my exes, let alone stay friends with them. Eventually, I narrowed it down to three reasons:

Some wrongs can’t be forgiven

My anal retentiveness prevents my own butthurt from healing as well as it should, even though it’s been years and I really should be over it by now. It’s not that I hate my exes for the people that they are. Rather, there are just certain wrongs that I can’t forgive, and it makes friendship almost impossible because I will keep bringing it up every now and then, in an attempt to find some sort of closure. I will never forgive this ex for essentially breaking my heart after I flew halfway across the world just to see him, all because of his ugly Korean roommate. We can never have a conflict-free friendship because of this.

Sex gets in the way

Some guys think that just because I found them fuckable once, I’ll probably keep on wanting to fuck for the rest of my life. It’s annoying to see an ex with the intention to hang out, only to end up fumbling for each other’s underwear later. (It’s hard to say no when you’re really turned on and haven’t gotten laid in months, okay?) I haven’t slept with an ex in years though, and it’s not happening anytime soon because I’m currently in a relationship. But whether or not I am interested in having sex, it feels frustrating when exes do make their sexual intentions clear, or when they assume you want to sleep with them when you call. Whatever happened to just plain old hanging out? Has it ever occurred to them that maybe I just want someone to talk to about nothing in particular? Do they pay attention to me because they care about what’s happening in my life, or do they just see me as an easy booty call? I’ll never know the answer to that last question, because I’d rather die than ask them.

We no longer have anything in common

At the end of the day, once you’re done exchanging how-are-you’s and what-do-you-do-now’s, I’ve come to realize that I don’t have anything more to say to my ex. Maybe that’s why some of my platonic social visits end up being sexual encounters or mini-confrontations. I mean, what else is there to discuss once you’ve gotten the social pleasantries out of the way? When you break up with someone and spend the next few years incommunicado, you’re practically strangers the next time you meet, because all the new people you’ve met and the experiences you’ve had turned you into different persons. And more often than not, the person you are now is so incompatible with the person your ex has become, maintaining a civilized friendship becomes almost impossible.

I’d like to show one more conversation to illustrate this final reason. Out of boredom one evening, I decided to poke a different ex-boyfriend, one whose misdeeds I also can’t forgive. I don’t know why I felt like talking to him in particular that night. Maybe it’s because earlier that day, I read a derisive article about the movie adaptation of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. This ex-boyfriend introduced me to Ayn Rand when we were in college and I became quite an arrogant asshole for it, then I went to grad school and realized that Marxist theory makes far more sense than Rand’s lofty praise of capitalism. I was curious to see if he was still a Rand-worshipper. I don’t know why I expected him to be otherwise.

I asked him if he had heard that there was going to be an Atlas Shrugged movie. He replied several minutes later saying that yes, it’s coming out in April and he is “cautiously excited” about it. I started typing something along the lines of, “Oh wow, I can’t believe you still believe in Ayn Rand after so many people have debunked Objectivism and pointed out her many hypocrisies,” but I quickly hit backspace and decided to end the conversation right there. Why bother? He’s still going to think that John Galt’s 20-page speech was the most brilliant thing ever written. I’m still going to think he’s a moron for it, and I’m still going to hate him for being the worst boyfriend I have ever had. Sometimes, it’s just better to hit the X button when an ex messages you, or when you feel the impulse to talk to one.

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I blame Hollywood for my lack of faith in romantic comedies. I avoid them if I can help it, because there’s nothing remotely entertaining about watching two shallow yuppies do mean things to each other as they attempt to replicate human courtship, and in the process reinforce tired gender stereotypes (e.g. uptight career woman learns to love when she meets the right [or wrong] guy) or consumer aspirations (uptight career woman carries different It Bag in each scene and runs around in expensive sky-high heels). But romantic comedies of the local theater variety deserve to be given a chance, because I’d like to think that no one would spend so much effort and money producing a play that basically rehashes the same old Hollywood formula.

On Thursday afternoon, I found myself watching a technical dress rehearsal of Breakups and Breakdowns by Upstart Productions, an original musical that revolves around the dating experiences of four people. We’ve got two roommates – Mark, a budding playwright finishing a play about his failed relationship with graphic designer Nina, and Derek, a playboy with a penchant for wearing flamboyant shirts. Every night, Derek tries to convince Mark to stop moping in their apartment and get back in the game, but Mark is too obsessed about his play (and a little hung up on his ex) to return to dating. After a while, Derek gives up and heads out for a date with Sandy, a flirtatious yet unavailable girl whose aloofness is driving him crazy. Like someone who has read too many Cosmo dating tips, Sandy is only pretending to be uninterested, not just to reel Derek in, but because the last guy she dated thought she was too clingy and available.

A knock on the door interrupts Mark’s writing one stormy evening. It’s his ex-girlfriend Nina, who got caught in the storm and desperately needs a place to crash until the flood subsides. Derek is out on a date with Sandy, and the moment is right for an awkward reunion between the two exes. Are lingering feelings enough to bring Mark and Nina back together or are they better off as friends? Will Sandy stop playing her silly game and finally sleep with Derek? And man, don’t you just hate how awkward pauses keep peppering your first post-break-up conversation with the ex?

Breakups and Breakdowns illustrates the rise and fall of romantic relationships in an endearing manner, using characters that are humanly flawed but no less lovable. I say “humanly flawed” because they screw up in all the normal ways an adult can be expected to screw up in dating and relationships. This realistic portrayal of the characters makes the play successful at the cliched notion of “perfection”. Through the witty banter and cheerful music, the audience discovers that trying achieve “perfection” is a counter-productive exercise because you end up missing out on the good that’s in front of you. It’s good to have standards, of course, but the play reminds you that there is a fine line between high standards and setting unrealistic expectations. Like most 20-somethings, Mark and Nina are intent on chasing their careers, but were unable to find the right balance between meeting their career goals and maintaining their relationship. Mark feels under-appreciated because Nina can never make time for him, while Nina is constantly frustrated by Mark’s inflexibility and lofty goals. On the other hand, the carefree Derek seems the least likely to settle down but he does so in the end, not only because he could forgive Sandy for repeatedly standing him up but also because she was willing to overlook his garish ensembles.

The play isn’t entirely free of certain gender stereotypes, though. For instance, the success of Derek and Sandy’s relationship reinforces the idea that guys like the girls who play hard-to-get, and that those silly Cosmo dating tips do kind of work. But this is something that gets easily overshadowed by the play’s strengths – the witty dialogue, the enjoyable musical numbers (this coming from a girl who usually fast-forwards the song-and-dance parts of musicals if she can), and its realistic portrayal of relationships and dating. If Hollywood rom-coms were more like Breakups and Breakdowns, I wouldn’t despise the genre as much as I do now. Whether you’re newly single, in a steady relationship, or ready to leap back into the dating pool, this is a play that you should not miss.

Catch Breakups and Breakdowns at Teatrino, Greenhills on the following dates and times:

February 18 (8 pm)
February 19 (3 pm & 8 pm)
February 25 (8 pm)
February 26 (3 pm & 8 pm)
March 4 (8 pm)
March 5 (3 pm & 8 pm)
March 11 (8 pm)
March 12 (3 pm & 8 pm)

For more information on the production, visit http://upstartproductionsinc.com/.

In an effort to resolve my existential crisis and discover what I’m truly passionate about, I’ve been volunteering for a wonderful NGO called Likhaan, a strong advocate of the RH Bill and a provider of reproductive health clinics at urban poor communities. On Wednesday, I attended the screening of a heart-wrenching documentary they produced with the Guttmacher Institute. Called Agaw-Buhay (Fighting for Life), the 26-minute documentary recounts the tale of four women whose circumstances forced them to seek an illegal abortion or suffered the fatal consequences of unsafe abortion.

Thanks to the strong influence of the Catholic church in Filipino life and culture, intentional and unintentional abortions are considered illegal by the Revised Penal Code and Constitution. If caught, women who go through abortions and physicians/midwives who perform abortions can face light to medium prison sentences. Despite these strict laws, there are hundreds and thousands of illegal abortions performed in the Philippines each year, and these abortions are performed through unsafe methods that can injure or cause major complications. Data from Likhaan reveals that in 2008, there was an estimated number of 560,000 abortions. 90,000 were hospitalized due to complications and 1,000 died for lack of care.

Since 85% of Filipinos are Catholic and the ban behind abortion rests upon Catholic dogma, the very subject of abortion is loaded with stigma and cannot be discussed without being judged (if you are for it) and judging harshly (if you are against it). The Catholic private schools I attended from grade school until college all taught me that abortion is a sin as grave as murder. We were taught to condemn women who get abortions – they’re selfish, immoral, and going straight to hell for being babykillers (and for having premarital sex to boot, those promiscuous girls).

Statistics actually paint a very different picture of the kind of woman who seek an abortion. On average, they are just like any Filipino woman of reproductive age – they are Catholic, married, poor, have had at least a high school education, and have 3 or more children. They also come from various rungs of the social ladder and share the same reasons for wanting an abortion – the economic cost of raising children, too many children, health concerns, mistimed pregnancy, spouse did not welcome the pregnancy, spouse is not a good father, pregnancy resulted from rape.

Likhaan gave everyone a copy of Agaw-Buhay to share with our friends and respective organizations, and the entire video is available on YouTube. Since I don’t have the time (or venue) to hold a physical screening of the documentary, consider this post as a virtual film showing of Agaw-Buhay. In here, you’ll encounter four of the half a million Filipino women who sought an illegal abortion and were forced to pay the price: a living hell filled with pain, social stigma, and medical complications caused by these unsafe practices.

What I like about this film is that it makes no judgments and no real call to action. Instead, it asks the viewer to take a look at the reality of unsafe abortion and reflect about the issue in ways they’ve never done before. For instance, it was interesting to note that the decision to get an abortion is not influenced by the Western feminist desire to “reclaim the body” or assert one’s right over one’s body. Rather, it’s a decision that arises out of circumstance and sometimes, sheer desperation. It also never occurred to me that the stigmatization of abortion compromises the quality of care provided by doctors and health workers to women suffering from post-abortion complications. Medical ethics state that a doctor must do no harm to a patient (non-maleficence) and do only what is good for the patience (beneficence). But when confronted by a woman in need of an abortion/post-abortion care, the health worker’s line of thinking suddenly become, “Is this illegal? Will the hospital get sued if we help her? Will I get arrested for helping her?”

After seeing the documentary, I hope you take some time to think about the ideas and stories it presents. Here are a few guide questions that can help you with your reflection, courtesy of Likhaan. I’d also love to know what you think or hear your own story. Feel free to leave a(n anonymous) comment, but I’ll be moderating the discussion and won’t be approving those that generate hate or judgment.

What stories stood out for you?

How does stigma and silence affect women’s emotional and mental health after abortion?

Are women supposed to feel guilty about having an abortion?

Selfish, immoral, irresponsible – why do these words often come up when talking about unintended pregnancy? Are women who have abortions really like these?

How do legal restrictions affect women’s feelings about their abortion? Health providers in the performance of their duties?

Do you think there are special cases in which abortion should be allowed legally?

What role should men be playing in preventing unintended pregnancy?

Do men have a right to be involved in decisions about pregnancy/abortion?

The film ends with a question. Are there any actions you’d like to take? What can be done in order to prevent unintended pregnancies and unsafe abortion?

A few nights ago, I had my first one night stand since college. Most people understand a “one night stand” to be a single night of casual, no-strings attached sex, but there’s a second definition for the term, one that I invented and never really thought to share with anyone until now. Have you ever sat down with a near total stranger and had an unexpectedly intense conversation about your life, relationships, hopes for the future, and regrets about past, only to never speak to that person again or never have the same quality of conversation again the next time you meet? That’s my second definition of a one night stand.

Not this kind of one night stand. (Photo source)

Just as the sexual one night stand allows you to be naked and physically vulnerable to a stranger for a single evening, without the intention or expectation for a long-term relationship, so does the conversational one night stand make you emotionally vulnerable to someone you never expected to share your thoughts and fears so intimately with. And since you don’t really have much in common aside from the circumstances that pushed you into having that conversation, it’s unlikely that you will be able to sustain a long-term friendship from that evening onwards. In other words, the conversational one night stand is not the prelude to a friendship; just a nice, fairly random evening (or afternoon) where a girl and a girl (or a guy and a girl) get things off their chest, be it boredom, or school stress, or in my recent experience, existential angst. However, unlike the sexual one night stand, the conversational one night stand has no element of physical attraction or sexual tension whatsoever, and should not be used as a means to try to get laid. Then you’re just a sleazeball taking advantage of an emotionally vulnerable person. Finally, conversational one night stands are a spontaneous occurrence, the result of an impulse to hash it out with the nearest person available rather than a planned event. Nobody ever really plans to open up to a near-total stranger unless you’re seeing a therapist, and that doesn’t really count.

So much for these definitions and qualifications! When I refer to “one night stands” from this point onward, let’s understand it to mean the conversational type, not the sexual type.

The one night stand from a few evenings ago happened with a girl I met at a party and became Facebook friends with in 2009. She randomly sent me a message saying that she read an article I had written about fashion schools and wanted my career advice. I found the coincidence rather strange; I myself have been feeling majorly confused about my so-called career and where my life is going, and looking for people who might understand what I’m going through. But this girl was asking for advice, something I’m not in the position to give because of my own confusion and lack of qualifications about fashion careers. I nearly declined for this reason, but then again, I had nothing better to do that evening and she said coffee was on her. I put on my best I-have-my-shit-together-you-can-count-on-me-for-advice face and drove off.

We actually went to a Coffee Bean. (Photo source)

I can never sustain a fake face for long though, especially when I get comfortable and start talking. At first, we lingered on the reason she drew me out – she was on the verge of signing up for fashion school and wanted my opinion on what to do if she were aiming for a career in Europe. However, conversations have a life of their own and rarely ever stay on the course you set out for them. We went completely off-tangent and started talking about our lives. Though we come from different backgrounds (she worked as a hair dresser in San Francisco before coming to Manila), we shared one interesting coincidence – we are both 24 and convinced that this is the year we start working on how the rest of our lives will turn out. I confessed about my own total lack of direction: I’m bored with what I’m doing and ready for a career change, but to what? Certainly not an office job, and certainly not anything to do with the Internet, which I’m also starting to get very sick of these days. The conversation then veered towards the direction of our relationships, and I soon found out why talking to her was so easy – she had just left her boyfriend of three years. I’ve observed that single girls make far more interesting conversationalists than girls with boyfriends, perhaps because they tend to seek more experiences, which give them a colorful variety of subjects to talk about.

We talked and talked until she had to go home to appease the old-fashioned aunt she was living with. I don’t know if we walked home with any concrete answers that evening or if I was able to help her at all, but it felt incredibly refreshing to talk to someone other than my boyfriend about my existential angst. One night stands can be very helpful if you need a new perspective about your current situation or a different sympathetic ear. But for me, the real magic of the event lies in the fact that it’s something I am least likely to do. I am not a chatty person, not one to make new friends easily, and certainly not one to open up to someone I’ve never said more than a “Nice to meet you!” to before. How often do I get to encounter completely different people who happen to be on the same wavelength and who can carry a good conversation for a prolonged period of time? Hardly ever.

Perhaps it’s premature for me to declare that friendship after a conversational one night stand is not possible, but let’s see if time and future social encounters can prove this wrong.

Photo credit