TRULY my mind of late has been in limbo, though I try to keep my life in order as much as I can. Or to say it in a more precise way: I try to keep OUR lives in order as much as I can. You see, being a mother, I cannot speak only for myself because whatever personal turbulence I am going through can affect the whole family. And in this respect, I try hard not to allow my own private wars, in any way, result to a dysfunctional family. Thus for this reason, I am still here – standing.
If you look at my previous posts in this blog, you can notice a lot of inconsistencies. In some posts, I am jubilant, in another, I announce a long vacation and yet in other ones, I seem to be meditative. I can’t say it in a better way: something is wrong somewhere.
These couple of months I have evaded blog hopping for I do not want to read anything that may touch the most sensitive part of already beaten issues in my being. Or maybe that I do not want to face reality. I want escape. I am in denial. I am not happy.
Kids are now starting to mold their own lives. The first born is currently making good in the line of work he so enjoys. The second one is reviewing for the nursing board exam. The youngest is on her second year in college and is full of dreams and ambitions that someday she will make it big in her chosen career.
Meanwhile, the hubby has his own job which, though very challenging and offers just a modest pay, keeps him on the go everyday.
So where does that leave me now? Alone I am most of the time at home, trying to keep busy with a humble publishing business which is not making good and which I think would better be closed before it goes insolvent. Or sometimes shuttling from Baguio where the second child is reviewing for the board exam, to Manila where the youngest is studying and the eldest is working. I have no life.
The law school has been sacrificed. My family prod me to take the bar exam, but it is not as easy as they think it is. Besides, I have lost focus. Financial woes, marital troubles and family worries have pushed back whatever little knowledge in law I have managed to stock in my brain for the past four years. Next year’s bar exam is only 10 months away and God knows how impossible it will be for me to cram in that very limited time when there are thousands of law provisions that I need to be at least familiar with. I have dropped all hopes.
* * * * * * * *
Financial issue. Actually, I can live with it. I am used to being broke. So long as the needs of my children are met, I am okay. I don’t lust for cars, fashionable clothes or jewelry. I am a simple person with no material longings. I don’t even use expensive creams on my face or wear imported perfumes. I am a low maintenance woman with no caprices or vices. I just make do with whatever material blessings come my way.
Family issue. I am used to it as well. Although I admit I often literally jump off my seat every time I get a distressed call from any of my children. I tend to worry a lot about them too especially that they are away from me. But I have managed to be clever. I have learned to keep an online monitoring system that I know they know but they pretend not to know because the fact that I am monitoring is perfectly alright with them.
Marital issue. It will be hypocritical for me to say that I can live with it; that it is okay; that it is manageable; that I am used to it. Though hopefully it is not really serious, it pushes me to the edge just the same. It sends my mind to wild speculations. It sears my soul; it pricks my heart. At times I am in a near-frenzy state, but thanks to God for He holds my reins. I guess this is the most devastating issue in a relationship. And despite repeated promises and assurances that it is nothing and that if indeed there is something, it has already come to a halt – the injury has been done and the crack is apparent. There is no more trust.
* * * * * * * *
I apologize for this crap of a post. But I reserve the right to speak my heart and mind out. I WANT TO HEAL and perhaps blogging can offer a cure. So now, I’m back to blogging mode. My blog friends might as well get ready with a red carpet welcome. I am visiting your sites again. Wow, did I miss you all so much!
Cheers!