I REALIZE now that healing and forgetting won’t come easy especially if the issue is not completely settled yet. And with the way things were going these past days, the process was taking longer than I thought because I knew there were things still unsaid and not admitted. For instance, why would he not tell me the real identity of the third party? It’s totally unfair. She knows me. In exchanging text messages with her one time, (where I remained to be as civil as possible), she addressed me by my name.
I have been pressuring him to divulge her identity, but he repeatedly refused. Until one time, he dropped a name and a vague address for a clue. But that did not help for it later turned out to be false. Damn it. I protested: “Hey, I’m the aggrieved party here! How unfair of you not to disclose who she is! Is it because you are trying to protect her from me? Do you really believe I will do her harm? Do you really think I can raise hell as a scorned woman would normally do? Why, I can’t even kill a roach! And is that not rubbing salt to an already open wound? You hurt me. You betrayed my trust. And yet, here you are, shielding her. Does that mean she is more important to you? Is that an admission you love her more than you do me?”
It might be wise for me to just keep quiet and not probe any longer to ward off more hurt. But the thing is – I felt like I was in a battlefield not knowing who my enemy was. It did not feel good.
Thankfully last night, just when I was almost at my wits’ end, he relented. He volunteered to tell everything. I listened. I questioned occasionally. I clarified some inconsistencies now and then. I’m sure he felt like he was being cross examined. I wanted to applaud myself. I was satisfied with his answers.
That was all I needed. A straightforward confession from him. He lied to me many times before, but I have a very strong feeling he was telling the truth this time. His speech was unfaltering. The narration was in details. I knew. The truth came out and hopefully it can help set us both free though there may be some more things that remain undisclosed.
I don’t say I’m totally healed but I feel lighter now. Despite the leads he gave me as to how I can meet her face to face, I won’t budge. I will leave it as it is. At least now I know who she is. Revenge is out of the question for it will only complicate things. Besides, if I avenge myself, what good will it do? Will it make me happier? Will it earn me more points in Heaven? I don’t think so.
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“More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.” ~Doug Larson